It is a love story as old as time itself. The man meets a laptop. The man fills his laptop with pornography. The man is suing the state for the right to marry his masturbating aid.
In 2014, former Tennessee lawyer and Christian electronic dance music producer Mark “Chris” Sevier deposit a motion in Florida stating that if same-sex couples “have the right to marry their object of sexual desire … then I should have the right to marry my favorite sexual object”, in this case its “Apple computer filled with porn “.
As the Houston Chronicle reports, Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton has already requested that the lawsuit be dismissed, arguing that “the right to marry your computer is not an interest, objectively, deeply rooted in the history and tradition of the country. “
At the very least, Sevier appears to be monogamous. The laptop named in this new suit is the same 2011 MacBook he asked to marry in 2014.
But Sevier, who has said that “the Constitution is being hijacked” by same-sex marriage, doesn’t seem to actually be in love with his computer. The artist EDM has a long history of bogus lawsuits aimed at undermining marriage equality.
He also has a long arrest record, including a charge of aggravated harassment in 2013 for, among other things, allegedly sending what the Associated press could only be described as “a half-naked image of himself draped in an American flag and covered in a substance that represented blood” for country music singer John Rich.
Sevier hasn’t always been so in love with his laptop. In 2013 he for follow-up Apple in federal court claiming to be “a victim of the Apple product sold to it without any warning of the damage caused by the pornography.”
In the “Facts” section of this lawsuit 50-page complaint, Sevier tells the story of his starry meeting with his future aluminum wife. They ended up in an Apple Store in Tennessee, where Sevier bought the laptop so he could “create music” for his band “Ghost wars“And also so that he can” connect to the Internet “.
Everything was going fine for a brief honeymoon period, but one day Sevier “accidentally misspelled ‘facebook.com’, which led him to ‘fuckbook.com’ and a host of websites that have him. led to seeing pornographic images appealing to his biological sensitivity. like a man. “
Sevier claimed that he “had never seen pornographic images” before purchasing the computer and that he quickly developed “an unwanted addiction with harmful consequences”.
To be clear, porn addiction is not a legitimate psychological diagnosis, but Sevier nonetheless claims that his “addiction” made him “prefer cyber beauties to his wife, which caused his marriage to fail.” . All this, he criticized Apple for not including a “safe mode” on the computer that would protect it from the dangers of pornography.
It didn’t take long, apparently, for Sevier to accept a lifelong future with his mechanical companion. In May 2014, he filed a trial in Utah, claiming that a county clerk had rejected her marriage license application, noting that “a man and a machine” had not made a marriage.
Sevier didn’t take ‘no’ for an answer, arguing in his costume: “Those of us whose sexual orientation has conventionally been conditioned to orgasm by the sheer science of dopamine to prefer sex with Inanimate objects and animals do not have public support, such as gays, so we are particularly vulnerable here.
But the entire Utah movement (PDF) doesn’t give the impression that Sevier really wants his relationship with his Mac to be legally recognized. He hypothesized that, if the court ruled in his favor, then “ we would evolve into a nation that grants equal protection to all classes of sexual orientation allowing everyone to marry anyone and no ‘whatever suits his appetite in the name of’ tolerance ” equality ‘and’ love ‘- become slaves of our glands, not slaves of virtue. “
His quickly dismissed Florida petition was filed around the same time.
If Sevier’s MacBook was capable of sensing human emotions, he would probably be heartbroken to learn that it is being used as a political pawn.
In an email interview with The Daily Beast, however, Sevier insisted that he would indeed agree to marry his laptop if a court ruled in his favor. When asked what kind of wedding he would organize, he replied, “Your question is not about the current legal process and is reductive and unrelated to these questions.
“The case is not a ploy to undermine same-sex marriage rights,” he said. “It is a demand that the courts restore constitutional integrity.”
Sevier was more direct with the Houston press, who asked him if he was comfortable with the possible but unlikely outcome of “destroying[ing] marriages and families across the country ”by undermining Obergefell v. Hodges. Sevier would have “said yes”.
“The state is doing no one a service by encouraging people to live this lifestyle,” he told the hurry. “We have to define marriage.”
If Sevier is looking for a definition of marriage, he should avoid consulting the MacBook dictionary, which notes that marriage is a “formally recognized union of a man and a woman” or “two persons of the same sex” depending on the jurisdiction. .